“He suffered in silence” – this formulation familiar to our ears. But try to quietly enjoy the love! Almost sure – will not work. We can hide under seven locks own pain. But it is very difficult to pack the same happiness and love. Glowing eyes will ruin mask. Smile in the corners of mouth turn into smile.
Silent love – most beautiful metaphor, not reality. Someone who is confident that his destiny – love silently and imperceptibly, perhaps more fond of own experiences than the other person.
Silent love – a “ticket” into the space of personal suffering. Even if a person gets this ticket unknowingly suffering he provided one hundred percent.
The most devastating silence – a silence in answer to a direct question, silence in a difficult situation when it is necessary to accept the responsibility. It does not matter in what sphere of social life, a person includes the same “game of dropping” – the result is always more “in the red” rather than “in the black”.
“Playing dropping” – one of the most losing games. As well as the use of silence for ghostly social success. Language of actions expresses the attitude to the other and “sounds” even when a person is trying to “shut up” information about himself. People tend to respect an honest “no” rather than cowardly silent “maybe someday” with its false hopes and shattered illusions afterwards.
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This story was told to me by fifty-two years old Ogechi, when she was quite confused in a relationship with someone she loved.
“My dad left the family when I was ten years old. The amazing thing is that I do not remember anything about father. He died tragically when I was twenty. I remember a strange state at his funeral. I knew he is own to me man. I understand that, in such cases, people feel something – the bitterness of loss, a sense of the farewell, or forgiveness, ordinary grief in the end … I did not feel anything.
And later, when various trainings offered to relive any situation from childhood – I could not simulate the situation and emotionally revitalize interaction with father. Any attempt to remember failed. Tip how to break the spell of “memory lapse”, came in a rather mature age. It so happens that the my beloved was far away, in another country. Modern means of communication allowed to experience separation less painful – “Skype”, text messages, e-mails – all this gave a sense of permanent presence. In every life there are “black bars”, a period of continuous problems and mine started from him. He began to drift apart and we began to communicate less and less. And I lost my head completely if the silence was delayed more than a week. And I began to dream about father. I saw in this dreams myself in the house of my childhood – a small cottage on two inputs for two families. In one half of the house we lived in with my mother and brothers. In the other – my father and his new family, his wife and young son. Again, I saw in a dream, I’m playing in the yard of my childhood home. My father walks past me as if I was empty space. Because all of the seven years that we lived together – neither his father nor his new wife did not speak to me. How do I learn to perceive the silence from close person less painful? “
I do not want to comment this story. Before choosing a strategy of silence in relationships with loved ones – ask yourself if the person with whom you have decided to play in the silence, disappears from your life completely – what then?
If such prospect of his disappearance scares you – do not be silent. It is better to tell him or her about the offenses. Or the pain that you feel. Even better – make it clear that you are ready to listen.
How to show you do care to the one who is silent? For example, when establishing contact with autistic children at first adult only is next to child all the means available to him an interests in what happens to the child, what he does. Often this method is good for making contact with the “silent type”. Demonstration of attention with simultaneous respect for the right to keep silent: I see you, I do care about you, I understand your desire to be quiet, and I am patiently waiting for the situation to change.
By the way, the woman whose story I told, and began to act this way. She occasionally gives his beloved know that she remembers him, understands his situation and patiently waiting for his return. Apparently, now he starts to wait for confirmation of her devotion. But is there a silence between them in this case?
Just communicate with another person gives us a sense of self. Any “shell of silence” will lose its strength in the warm attention, a touch of tenderness.